April 22, 2008, 10:30 am News

9 APRIL  2008


There was a recent meeting of the IPCC Steering Committee (The Politbureau) at the recent Bangkok United Nations meeting to consider the crisis that has arisen from the recent apparent cooling of the climate.

The General Secretary called the meeting to order with his opening address. He expressed satisfaction with the further measures to control carbon emissions that had been agreed at the main meeting. He commended the following outstanding achievements of the Central Committee:

    * Every television news broadcast must have at least one environmental item, The BBC was particularly cooperative

    * The decision to switch attention from “global warming” which apparently was not happening, to “climate change” which happens everywhere all the time, has been achieved.

    * The various “Earth Reports” have promoted our programme and encouraged a primitive lifestyle.

    * We have succeeded in blaming the current rise in the cost of food on “climate change” instead of our promotion of biofuels.

    * There is real concern that instead of a recent apparent fairly steady global temperature increase there have been disturbing indications of a temperature fall, which is, it seems, agreed by all the authorities, apart, of course, from Jim Hansen. If this cooling were to continue, it would threaten our use of “decadal” figures, which we use routinely to cover up variability. There was also a disturbing fall  in carbon dioxide concentration at Mauna Loa for last month which we must keep secret, as it is sure to be temporary.

    * A proposal to further manipulate the data to minimise this cooling effect is regarded as too risky at this stage. We have been unsuccessful in controlling weather forecasters, who have been announcing cold temperatures in many parts of the world on every programme. Also we are doubtful about the loyalty of some of the compilers. After all, some of them did not sign the NOAA Climate Change Science Programme (CCSP) Report which was otherwise unanimous. The formation of an alternative MSU Group controlled by us has been a disappointment as it has recently shown a greater temperature fall even than the group we do not control. And then Hansen has been unable to resist applying corrections to his US series where the maximum temperature for the past 100 years has now become 1934.

    * A unanimous vote of confidence declared that there would be an upturn of global temperature before the end of 2008. This was considered to be Virtually Certain, with a probability of greater than 99%.  But it was agreed to invoke the Precautionary Principle and announce that 2008 would be a cool year, even if we know it will not be. The virtually certain upturn before the end of the year could be claimed as a victory for global warming,

Heat wave horrors wearing thin
The IPCC lecturers were reporting that the flesh-creeping horrors of the 2003 European heat wave were beginning to wear a little thin, as questioners were beginning to ask about the Chinese winter and the revival of the Scottish ski industry. However, the World Health delegate said that they intended to give the heat wave one more run, and to tie it up with the Rio dengue fever. This would be aimed at Australia, where there has been a drought and not much cooling. The Australians are oblivious of what happens abroad and the IPCC has an obligation to help out the new Prime Minister.

There was an urgency to blame the cooling on a natural event which could be considered to be temporary. The best candidate was El Niña despite the fact that it did not usually cause much cooling, and had been left out of the attempts to simulate the surface temperature record because it would have disrupted it.

There was a need to further discredit the idea that the cooling could be related to the sun or cosmic rays, since these could cause cooling over a longer period. The Lancaster  Group was delegated to prepare an urgent report to discredit the sun and cosmic rays.

The meeting ended with the usual cocktail party and banquet.

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